The epitome of sparks.

Hello...

I haven't been here for a while,
And it sure wasn't because of lack of time..
I haven't let my emotions out too much these days,
I'm so sick of all the "try's" and "may's"
And I've got so much inside...
I'm listening to lyrical songs right now,
About the theme which is Goodbye, so-long.
And I don't really know why..
I guess I'm trying to get that mood, to know how it suits me,
I hate the fact, that my world's so small these days,
Cause believe it or not,
It's pretty much only you..
Only you..
It doesn't make sense..
Why..
Whyy.......
I've got a little secret inside, and I've kept it since..
like.. I don't know.. 30.03.2007?
Something like that..
This one feeling I have deep down..
It doesn't let go, and I don't know what to do.
it's been like a thousand days, without exception,
Not a single day slipped by without a thought of you.
Not a single one...
And the nights.. Damn it.
It's like so weird, like when everything inside is bleeding and crying,,
And I'm just sitting here with a neutral face, and nobody can tell..
Sometimes I think.. did we really lose our only chance,
at that little misunderstanding like 1 day after we understood,
that we like talking to each other?
At that one little spontaneous thing you said,
and misunderstood my reaction?
I guess I'll never know.
And by the way I'm smiling now,
I remembered how you once used to think of me as a superhero,
And only now I understood, that I was thinking of you the same way,
Not as an actual Superhero,
But as.. something surreal,
Something too good to be true,
Something you don'twant to get too close to, cause you're afraid it'll disappear..
I mean come on,
It's been so long, and I still can't imagine how you laugh,
I can't imagine you crying,
I can't imagine even looking at you while you're talking,
Cause I don't think I've ever done that.
And.. I'll let you in on a little secret.
Since January, I've had this little idea,
Something I wanted to do, but never did,
I wanted to call you from another number, just to hear your "Hello"
Since I know you wouldn't answer my call.
And instead, I just always imagined me doing it,
But it was pretty hard, since I could never remember your voice clearly..
And since then I always wanted to hear you speak, so I can finally get that little fantasy of mine going like I want it to.
And I did, at hamlets a few weeks ago,
When you came in, said something and hugged some girl,
And better yet, you were smiling.
And it was so funny, I was just sitting there like an idiot,
Smiling and couldn't look away.
My friends were asking me wtf was wrong with me, but I just.. well you know.
Anyway, I'll continue this another time,
I just opened a little red envelope with lots of about my life inside,
And I'm a bit broken now.
Funny how easy it is to get a tear out,
And get destroyed ina moment.
With everything inside just screaming "why".
And to be honest.. I haven't gotten the answer.. yet..
And it hurts like hell to know what I know..
It hurts like hell, to only have memories, about the sweetest alone-times in my life,
It hurts like hell, that it got out of hand, and we never picked it up again..
and even thought you might think we did.. I don't think so.. not since.. ehh..
It hurts like hell, to be this young, and know, that I'll never be attracted to anyone as much as to you.
And It hurts like hell, to know that nothing's going to become better, ever.
No matter how I try to hide you, You'll always be inside,
No matter how I try to run, you'll be right next to me,
and No matter how you try to run from me, for your own good, or for mine,
I know that at least for me - I'll ruin your plans, cause I'll find you anyway..
And probably even when you leave for the UK,
I'll still follow you closely,
And know more than you want me to know,
I'll misunderstand stuff that isn't even meant for me,
And I'll just be miserable,
Cause I know, that You're at the top of the list,
And always will be.. And nothing will ever change.
Long story short -
I want my cure that will never come.
And ugh.. even though, knowing you, it's 90% that you won't even ever read this,
but hell, this is my last chance to try and fix myself on my own..
Take some sparks from inside,
Try to set them free,
Yet watch them all just fly back in..

un jām.. this song has done 2 miracles in one day.. now that's what I call special.
[atbilde uz to, ko domā ir nē]